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Okay, so I’m not Irish, but as the saying goes, everyone is Irish on St. Patrick’s day.  I wearing my green and looking foward to some Irish music, food and spirit tonight at a local Irish Pub in NH. However that being said, it isn’t the same as being in Boston area on a day like today.  Conveniently, Suffolk County as well as three other local municipalities celebrate Evacuation Day.  What is Evacuation Day? It is the day that the redcoats ended their occupation of Boston on March 17th, 1776.  Hmmm the same day as St. Patrick’s Day, how convenient?  You have to love a city that honors a holiday to celebrate something which really serves as a politically correct mask for the real celebration.  Here is some troubleshooting tips on how to survive Evacuation Day a.k.a. St. Patrick’s Day courtesy of my friend Chris: ST. PAT’S DAY TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE    

SYMPTOM
CAUSE
CORRECTIVE ACTION 

Feet cold and wet
Glass Being held at incorrect angle.
Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling 

Feet warm and wet
Improper Bladder Control
Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training 

Beer unusually pale and tasteless
a. Glass empty.
b. You’re holding a Coors Lite
Get someone to buy you another beer 

Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights
You have fallen over backward.
Have yourself leashed to bar
   
Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes
You have fallen forward
See above 

Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet
a. Mouth not open
b. Glass applied to wrong part of face
Retire to restroom, practice in mirror 

Floor Blurred
You are looking through bottom of empty glass
Get someone to buy you another beer 

Floor moving
You are being carried out
Find out if you are being taken to another bar Room seems unusually dark
Bar has closed
Confirm home address with bartender.  
If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door.  Run  

Room seems unusually darkBar has closedConfirm home address with bartender.  Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures
Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations
Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside  Everyone looks up to you and smiles
You are dancing on the table
Fall on someone cushy-looking  

Beer is crystal-clear
It’s water! Somebody is trying to sober you up
Punch him  People are standing around urinals, talking or putting on makeup
You’re in the ladies’ room
Do not use urinal!  Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the hall. Try to get phone numbers (optional)  

Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear
You have been in a fight
Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them  Don’t recognize anyone, don’t recognize the room you’re in
You’ve wandered into the wrong party
See if they have free beer  

Your singing sounds distorted
The beer is too weak
Have more beer until your voice improves   Don’t remember the words to the song
Beer is just right
Play air guitar  

tags: bar humor, evacuation day, st. patrick’s day

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